Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows
(It's back in the old recording studio and THE VILLAIN IN BLACK is there all alone. It's fair to say he looks highly pissed off, even by his standards. The clock on the wall shows a very late hour. The studio door slams open and BIG IAN stands at the top of the steps, swaying a little.
TVIB: You're late.
BIG IAN: Shurely not?
TVIB: And you're drunk!
BIG IAN: *burp*
TVIB: You know we just need your vocals for the last song, then the album is finished! My god, man, where's your professionalism?
BIG IAN: 'M a 'feshional!
(BIG IAN tries to walk down stairs, trips, and tumbles head over heels. We will use a stunt man for this, because the actor is far too expensive to risk throwing down stairs.)
BIG IAN: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!
(BIG IAN stands up.)
BIG IAN: Oopsh.
TVIB: Pull yourself together!
(BIG IAN spies a piano and staggers over to it.)
BIG IAN: 'M ok! Look, 'm shober! Watsh, proof! I can shtill play the joanna!
(BIG IAN begins to play "chopsticks", very slowly and badly.)
(TVIB slams the piano lid down on his fingers.)
BIG IAN: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
(At that moment, JON enters, looking very excited.)
JON: Guys, guys, we're on for the Albert Hall in September!
TVIB: What are you talking about, Jon?
JON: My composition! My concerto! The management have booked an orchestra and everything!
(TVIB has *that* look, but JON is too excited to notice. While they are talking, BIG IAN sways on the piano stool and shlowly shlipsh, I mean slowly slips, to the floor.)
TVIB: We are *not* playing any stupid music with a stupid orchestra. We're a hard rock band. What about our credibility? What about artistic integrity?
JON: But Rich, it's a big break for us! Think of the publicity!
TVIB: No no no no no no no!!!!
(TVIB is so angry, he picks up a nearby guitar and smashes it on the floor over and over again.)
BIG IAN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Camera pans down to find BIG IAN lying at TVIB's feet, covered in guitar fragments.)
TVIB: Whoops. Sorry Ian.
BIG IAN: s'ok Rishie 'm ok...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(Cut to the engineer's booth, where we find ROGER and IAN sitting in darkness. The last echo of BIG IAN's last "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" is dying away.)
ROGER: Were we running tape on that?
IAN: Yep.
ROGER: Ok, lets edit it and mix it. We'll use it for the song.
IAN: Nobody's gonna want to hear Ian screaming like that!
ROGER: Yeah, I know, but it will pad out the last bit of the record. And I'm sick of this, I want to go home.
(IAN picks up a tape box and a pen.)
IAN: Ok, what shall I label this one?
ROGER: Put... "Ian's acting like a child but we finished the record in time".
(IAN looks at the tape box, which only has a tiny space for writing. Sucks the end of his pen, thinking. FADE OUT as he writes:
"CHILD - IN TIME"