SPECIAL GUEST STAR: GEORGE COLE** as "THE MANAGER"
Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows
(Fade in on JON, IAN, ROGER, BIG IAN, and THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB) in a dressing room, backstage at a tiny hall somewhere in England. We can hear background crowd noises. They all look nervous.)
JON: We'll play Child in Time first. I know, it's a dreadful song, but it gets the worst ten minutes of the set out of the way. Agreed?
(Nods all round.)
JON: Right-o, chaps, this is our big moment. Our first gig with the new songs! Let's go out there and show them what we're made of!
(Handshakes and back-slapping all round, and they head out on to the stage.)
(The band is just finishing Child in Time. BIG IAN is doing the last set of screams.)
BIG IAN SCREAMING:
Ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh-URK
(BIG IAN looks at the band in panic. They end the song with a crash as BIG IAN runs off stage.)
(BIG IAN is standing there clutching his throat. The rest of the band comes off stage, to the sound of much cheering and clapping.)
TVIB: Ian, stop being a prat and get back on stage. Listen! They love us! We'll play Child in Time every night, all right?
BIG IAN: __________________
JON: What's up Ian?
BIG IAN: ___________________
ROGER: Oh my god, he's blown his voice out with those screams.
(BIG IAN nods vigorously.)
JON: Can you sing at all?
(BIG IAN shakes his head vigorously.)
ROGER: We're in big trouble.
(At this moment the MANAGER rushes in, waving his cigar at them.)
MANAGER: Boys, boys, get back on stage! You've got a show to finish.
ROGER: Ian's voice is shot. He can't sing.
MANAGER: Is this true, Ian?
(He blows smoke in BIG IAN's face)
BIG IAN: a-huk a-huk eh eh urk!
MANAGER: Oh my god I'm a dead man. Think of something, boys! I'll just go and secure the takings... I mean, make sure our getaway van is... I mean...
(He rushes out. The others look at each other nervously. Crowd noises get louder: "why are we waaaaaaiting" etc.)
ROGER: We could go on and play an instrumental set?
TVIB: Ridiculous!
IAN: We could play Wring That Neck off the second album!
TVIB: Rubbish!
ROGER: Yeah, and Rich could do a long solo...
TVIB: Good plan, Roger!
ROGER: And Jon could get an organ solo, too.
TVIB: I'm not so sure the crowd would like that...
IAN: I could do a drum solo!
(Everybody looks at IAN with *that* look.)
IAN: Kidding, chaps!
ROGER: Ok, that's the plan. We can probably stretch Wring That Neck out to... six or seven minutes you think? Just to buy time for Ian's voice to recover.
(They all rush back on stage, leaving BIG IAN alone. We hear the opening bars of Wring That Neck. Zoom on the clock on the wall showing 7:45. The hands advance to 8:10. We hear Wring that Neck still being played. BIG IAN is now gargling with some awful-looking drink. The GROUPIE is standing by a table covered in jars and bottles with labels like "Honey", "Whiskey", "Morphine", and she is mixing something in a cocktail shaker. BIG IAN tries to sing a scale.)
BIG IAN: Ahhhh-erk-ak-ak-ak-
(He waves to the GROUPIE and she pours another drink, which he knocks back. We now hear a drum solo starting. ROGER, JON, and TVIB come off stage.)
ROGER: Wow, it's going great!
TVIB: We hardly need Ian at all, really.
(TVIB gives BIG IAN *that* look.)
JON: Come on chaps, let's get a quick pint in at the bar!
(They leave BIG IAN and the GROUPIE to continue their medicinal activities.)
(JON, ROGER, and TVIB are knocking back their pints. There are several empty glasses already in front of them. the clock on the wall shows 9:05. We can still hear, faintly, a drum solo.)
ROGER: Ahhh! that's better. Hey, where's little Ian?
(They all look round, slowly getting "oh my god" expressions. They all rush out. A second later, ROGER runs back in, picks up his pint, and rushes out again.)
(IAN is the only man on stage. He's behind his drum kit. His chin is on his chest and he's snoring! But his arms still move like metronomes (he's a better drummer in his sleep than anyone else is awake... oh, you already got the point, did you?))
(BIG IAN knocks back another drink and tries his voice.)
BIG IAN SINGING:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Speeeeeeeeeeeed Kiiiiiiiiiing Seeeeeeeeeeeeee Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Flyyyyyyyyyyyyy
BIG IAN: Alright! Superb!
(BIG IAN jumps onto the empty stage. Everybody has gone home.)
BIG IAN: Iyyyyyyyyyyyyyy thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank yewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... guys?
(The lights go out.)
BIG IAN: Rog? Jon? Anybody?
* Deep Purple Mk 2 played an early gig in Barnstaple, 12 September 1969. It wasn't their first gig, but it was the first one that sounded funny in the episode title. (Information courtesy of Nigel Young's excellent Deep Purple Diary (no longer available on line -- but book coming soon! (We hope))).
** For non-British readers: if you don't know who he is... then I'm sorry, but it's just impossible to explain why this is appropriate.