Guest Starring HUGH GRANT as ANDREW LLOYD WEBER, MURRAY HEAD as JUDAS.
Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows
(We open with THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB) making a rare social appearance in the bar with IAN, JON, and ROGER.)
TVIB (suspicious): Where is he then?
JON: Who, Ian? He's rehearsing.
TVIB: Rehearsing without the rest of us?
ROGER: No, it's this new side project he's doing. Remember that afternoon he did the Jesus Christ album thing? They want him back for the movie.
TVIB: *Not* a Purple project?
IAN: No, but it's gonna be huge.
TVIB: Huge?
JON: Oh, he's going to be a big star after this.
TVIB: Big?
ROGER: It's a great move for him. He deserves the fame.
TVIB: Fame?
(TVIB sits brooding for a moment, then leaves.)
TVIB (muttering): I'll have to see about this.
(We FADE OUT on the others' worried expressions.)
(It's a crowded sound stage, where the cast of the new Jesus Christ Superstar movie are running through their paces. ANDREW is directing. At an appropriate point, he shouts:)
ANDREW: Cue Jesus!
(BIG IAN strides on to the stage, costumed like Jesus.)
BIG IAN: Thank you I thaaaaank you... cheers, how are you doing?
ANDREW: Cut! That's not your line.
BIG IAN: I know... I'm interacting with the audience...
ANDREW: It's a movie! You don't interact, you come on and deliver your line! Ok people, once more from the top!
(The chorus pick up the number again, and we watch for a while. BIG IAN makes another entrance.)
BIG IAN: Cheers! This song is about a carpenter I met in a strip club. His name was...
ANDREW: Cut! Cut! What the hell?
BIG IAN: Just doing a, you know, humorous intro to the song...
ANDREW: No, no, no! No humorous intros. Come on, sing the line. That's all.
(BIG IAN wanders off, looking upset. Chorus pick up the number again as we FADE OUT, fading back in at a later point in the rehearsals. BIG IAN is in full flow.)
BIG IAN SINGING:
Take this cup awaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I don't want to la la la la
Da da dee dee at the hop la la
Let's all do the hop doo doo doo
You can pull it you can shake it you can swallow it or spit it
At the hop... la... la... la....
(BIG IAN trails off and looks round to see why the orchestra are no longer following him.)
ANDREW: And what was THAT?
BIG IAN: Improv, you know, Keeps it fresh...
ANDREW: It's a bloody MOVIE!!!! Sing the words in the book. That's all.
(CUT to another scene where Roman guards are hassling the followers of Jesus. BIG IAN notices this and strides across the stage. Begins shoving the "guards".)
BIG IAN: Hey, cut it out! Let the kids have fun!
ANDREW (tiredly): Cut!
(Another scene. JUDAS makes his big entrance: strides across the stage to BIG IAN and kisses him. BIG IAN leaps away in horror, turns, and punches JUDAS on the nose. JUDAS goes down like a sack of potatoes.)
ANDREW: Cut!!!!!!!!! Ian, did you *read* the story at all?
(We cut to the parking lot, where we see a very unhappy-looking JUDAS (he has sticky plasters and splints on his nose) in conversation with THE VILLAIN IN BLACK. We can't actually hear what they are saying, but we see TVIB pass a small bag to JUDAS. Cut to a close-up of the bag, which jingles as JUDAS opens it to reveal a number of small silver coins. (Looks like about thirty bob.) JUDAS and TVIB shake hands and part.)
(In the background, we see the actors desperately going through their routines while BIG IAN continues to remind us that he's the greatest singer in the world, not the greatest actor. In the foreground, ANDREW watches with horror. JUDAS approaches and whispers in his ear.)
ANDREW: That's all very well, but who?
(JUDAS whispers some more.)
ANDREW: Ted Neeley? How soon can we get him here?
(And... CUT!)