Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows
(It's another hotel bar, somewhere on tour. JON, IAN and THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB) are in a private booth, heads together in serious discussion.)
TVIB: I'm telling you, we need a seriously different sound.
JON: Something more classical?
IAN: Something more jazzy?
TVIB: I was thinking of something more... bluesy...
(JON and IAN exchange doubtful looks.)
JON: Heavy blues has been done so often, Rich.
IAN: Yeah. And Ian will never go for it. It's just not his vocal style.
TVIB: Yeesss... well maybe Ian's no longer the right man for the job.
(IAN and JON exchange nervous looks.)
JON: W-what do you mean?
TVIB: Tell me... have you ever heard Paul Rogers?
(IAN and JON exchange nervous, doubtful looks. The camera pans across to the next booth, where BIG IAN and ROGER, unseen by the others, are overhearing the conversation. They look grim.)
(BIG IAN and ROGER are sitting alone. ROGER has an acoustic guitar and BIG IAN has a harmonica. They watch the door. It opens, and in walks TVIB. ROGER quickly starts up some simple 12-bar blues. BIG IAN accompanies on the harmonica.)
BIG IAN SINGING:
I love the blues, mmmm baby
They tell my story, yeah, yeah, baby
If you don't feel it you can never understand baby, yeowww!
So many times I thought about it, baby
And now I know just what it means to be a man, mmmm yeah baby.
TVIB: What's this?
(They stop playing, as if surprised.)
ROGER: Oh, hi Rich!
BIG IAN: Me and Rog were just working on an idea for a new sound... what do you think?
(TVIB gives them *that* look.)
TVIB: Crap. Stick to what you're good at.
(TVIB leaves. BIG IAN and ROGER exchange grim looks.)
(TVIB, IAN, and JON are together in a secluded booth, again.)
TVIB: I've thought it over... maybe straight blues is the wrong way to go.
JON: Right on!
IAN: Cool!
TVIB: Something more soulful... funky... that may suit us.
(IAN and JON exchange very worried looks.)
TVIB: Tell me... have you ever heard Stevie Wonder?
(The camera pans to the next booth, where ROGER and BIG IAN are eavesdropping and looking grim.)
(TVIB bursts in on BIG IAN and ROGER. This time, ROGER is playing some funky bass with plenty of wah-wah. BIG IAN is dressed in a sharp white suit and wailing his heart out.)
BIG IAN SINGING:
Bayyyyyybayyyyyy Iiiiiiii got Georgiaaaaaaaaaa
Iiiiiiii sayyyyyyyyyyy
Georgiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa -aaa -aaa -aaa -aaa -aaaaaaaaaaa
I got Georgia
Ohhhhhhhhnnnnnn mahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Mi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiiiiinnnnnnndddddddd-ah!
Whoooooooop!!!!!
TVIB: What the hell was that?
ROGER: Oh... just trying out a new sound.
BIG IAN: What did you think?
TVIB: If I ever hear a noise like that on the same stage as me, I'll... I'll... smash something!
(TVIB leaves, slamming the door.)
ROGER: I give up!
BIG IAN: This is hopeless! I'm going to have this out with him right now!
(He strides after TVIB.)
(BIG IAN turns a corner, followed by ROGER, and comes face to face with TVIB, who is backed up by JON and IAN. Everybody glares hostily at each other.)
TVIB: We've talked it over.
BIG IAN: Me too.
TVIB: And this band's not big enough for the both of us.
BIG IAN: It's you or me, Rich. Moment of truth.
(An Ennio Morricone soundtrack starts up. They face each other down the corridor. We'll have extreme close-ups as their eyes narrow, sweat beads on their foreheads, they lick their lips nervously. Finally, as the tension can't possibly get any thicker, they crack! Simultaneously, they say:)
TVIB: You're fired!
BIG IAN: I quit!
(They glare at each other.)
TVIB: Good!
BIG IAN: Good!
TVIB: Finally we agree on something!
BIG IAN: Ha!
TVIB: So that showed me!
BIG IAN (suddenly doubtful): It... certainly... did...
(Cut to the bar, some time later. ROGER and BIG IAN are drinking their way through most of the inventory.)
ROGER: That showed him! Eh, mate? Ian, mate?
(BIG IAN is repeatedly banging his head on the bar.)
(FADE OUT to TVIB's VOICE-OVER:)
TVIB: Muah-hahahahahahaha
(CAPTION: "THE... END?")