SPECIAL GUEST STARS: PETER SELLARS as "FUNKY" CLAUDE and FRANK ZAPPA as HIMSELF
Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows
(Several establishing, panoramic views of the Swiss mountains and Lake Geneva, before the camera finds ROGER, IAN, BIG IAN, and JON by the shore of the lake. They are leaning casually on railings, enjoying the scenery and watching the girls go by.)
JON: Well, here we are in Montreux!
IAN: On the Lake Geneva shoreline.
(A pause while they look around, all happy and content. Then a cloud passes in front of the sun, and they shiver. By coincidence, THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB) walks up to them at that moment.)
TVIB: What are you wasting time for? We're here to make a record. With a mobile recording studio.
(They all look back at him, unconcerned. He gets agitated.)
TVIB: We haven't got much time!!!
JON: Relax, Rich. We can't get in to the place until tomorrow, anyway.
(ROGER takes a folded newspaper out of his pocket and flips through it.)
ROGER: It says here...
(It's in French, but ROGER is a cunning linguist.)
ROGER: ...that Frank Zappa and the Mothers are at the place tonight. It's the best place around, you know.
BIG IAN: Hey, Zappa! Cool! Let's see if we can get in to see his show!
(They all nod and agree with this, and start walking down the street.)
IAN: Do you think we'll be telling our grandkids about this trip, one day?
ROGER: Nooo!
BIG IAN: I can't imagine anyone ever asking me about this!
JON: As soon as we get the record made, I'm not even going to remember the name of this place.
TVIB: We'll do things in our careers that will make this day seem like a minor footnote.
(They all nod agreement and sigh. They walk on, thinking private thoughts about life on the road.)
(Shortly, they pass a market stall selling all kinds of climbing equipment. The stall owner is calling out his wares. He's speaking French, of course, but for the benefit of the audience we'll use English with a really bad accent instead.)
STALL KEEPER: Climbing supplies! All you need for a trip into ze beautiful Swiss mountains! Rope! Blankets! Swiss Army Knives! Get zem all 'ere! Flare Guns! All at ze bargain prices!
(Intrigued, TVIB wanders over to the stall. He picks up an object -- because of the camera angle, we can't see what it is -- and begins haggling over the price as we FADE OUT.) (Oh, you've seen the punchline already, have you?)
(A crowd of people is milling around outside, trying to get in, and we hear music coming from inside. JON, IAN, BIG IAN, ROGER, and TVIB come into view, pushing through the crowd. They are stopped by the bouncers at the door.)
BOUNCER #1: Non!
BOUNCER #2: Vous est n'admittee pas!
(Aren't you impressed by my knowledge of French? Luckily, FUNKY CLAUDE arrives at this moment, and he's going to be speaking badly-accented English.)
CLAUDE: Ahhh mes amis! Bon soir, bon soir, so good to meet you all!
(CLAUDE kisses them all on both cheeks, Gallic-style. Except for TVIB: when he gets to TVIB, he gets *that* look, and changes his mind.)
CLAUDE: Welcome to ma 'umble casino! Come on in and listen to le Motheurs.
(We follow them in to the casino and towards the source of the music. ROGER suddenly stops.)
ROGER: Shhh! What's that?
GOATS (off-screen): naaaa! naaaaa! naaaa!
IAN: I can't hear anything. I'm a drummer.
ROGER: Listen... it's like... goats bleating!
GOATS (off-screen): naaaa! naaaaa! naaaa!
CLAUDE: Ah, mais oui! Zey are ma baby goats. My brother-in-law, 'e eez a goat 'erd. I am keeping 'is flock in ze cellar!
JON: You have baby goats in ze cellar????
(Look, will you all just stop jumping to the punchlines? Thank you!)
CLAUDE: Oui! and I keep zeir 'ay in ze rafters!
(CLAUDE points at the ceiling, where bales of hay -- to feed the goats, of course -- are piled up among the rafters.)
BIG IAN: Isn't that a fire hazard?
CLAUDE: Non, it eez no 'azard! All is safe! 'Ow would a fire start up zere?
(They continue into the hall where FRANK ZAPPA is playing his set. Soon, IAN, JON, ROGER, and BIG IAN are grooving away. TVIB becomes bored, however, and wanders off through the crowd.)
TVIB (muttering): Pathetic. I can wipe the floor with any other guitar player.
(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a FLARE GUN. He looks at it lovingly. Then he starts fiddling with it, as you do with your new toys. He tries to twist it open, then he looks down the barrel, then he holds it up to his ear and rattles it. After a few minutes, he's bored and he is about to put it back in his pocket -- but he fumbles! It slips out of his fingers! The sounds of the crowd and the music die away and we go into SLOW MOTION as it falls, spinning through the air. It lands on the floor, pointing upwards, as we hear a big echo-ey slow-motion KA-CLUNK, then we go back into real time (it's all very arty, isn't it?), the sounds of the hall come back, and with a WHOOOOSHHHH a flare shoots into the ceiling! It strikes a bale of hay! (You weren't expecting that, were you?))
TVIB: Whoops.
FRANK (Arthur Brown impression): FIREEEEEE!!!!!!! Doo Doo Doooo
(Within seconds, the place is an inferno. People are running everywhere. In the confusion, we see our heroes stumbling out. Smoke drifts across the surface of the lake and the fire lights up the night sky. Look, do I have to spell *everything* out??? Anyway... oh, yes, suddenly, there's an awful sound:)
GOATS (off-screen): naaaa!!! naaaaa!!! naaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(No, they're not singing Child in Time; the poor critters are terrified.)
CLAUDE: Mon dieu! Ma baby goats!
(He rushes back into the blazing building, down into the cellar, and returns with a baby goat under each arm. He runs in and out, pulling the kids out of the ground.)
(TVIB calls out to a random person.)
TVIB: Hey! Stupid! Catch!
(The person turns in surprise. TVIB throws the flare gun at the person, who instinctively catches it. At that moment, a hand claps down on the unfortunate victim's shoulder.)
GENDARME: I am arresting vous pour le arson of le casino!
TVIB: Bravo! Vive le gendarmerie!
(Later, when it all is over, IAN, ROGER, JON, BIG IAN, and TVIB sit looking at the ruins of the casino.)
IAN: Where will we record the album now?
ROGER: We'll have to find another place.
BIG IAN: But time is running out!
JON: It's the end, guys!
TVIB: No!
(TVIB suddenly stands up, and his face is grim. I mean, grim even by his standards. The others stand behind him, arranged in a dramatic pose, long hair billowing in the wind, smoke drifting round them, looking all heroic and macho (oh, it quite brings a lump to my throat). We'll do a "Spielberg" zoom in on them.)
TVIB: We will *not* lose the race!
(FADE OUT, CAPTION reads: "TO BE CONTINUED...?")
Is this the end for The Villain In Black and the boys? All will be revealed in the exciting new season of THE DEEP PURPLE STORY, coming your way in the Autumn!