Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows
(A look at the band entirely through the eyes of their loyal groupie. The groupie does all the narration as voice-overs in each scene. )
(The beautiful young GROUPIE is sitting alone, curled up in a chair in the band's big, expensive 5-star suite. Daylight is streaming through the windows. She has a writing pad on her knee and is busy writing. The narration is her letter, get it? It's genius! I'll probably get an Emmy for this.)
NARRATION: Hi Mom! Here I am on tour with Deep Purple. There's no need to worry about me, I'm perfectly safe with these boys.
(THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB) comes into sight, standing in a doorway. The GROUPIE doesn't notice him, as he stares intently at her... what devious purpose is in his mind now? Just as he is about to enter, another door opens and IAN comes out, in his pyjamas. TVIB turns and walks away. IAN crosses to a desk and picks up a clock. It says "4.00 PM".)
NARRATION: They work very hard to make me feel at home.
IAN: Time for a cuppa. Put the kettle on, love.
(IAN turns and goes back to bed.)
(TVIB walks into the bar, looking round. He sees BIG IAN and the GROUPIE at the bar together. He gives them *that* look and walks out.)
NARRATION: Life on the road is just a blur of one hotel after another.
(Cut to a close up of BIG IAN and the GROUPIE. There is a whole line of shot glasses lined up in front of him. Several of them are empty. He's pointing at them, one by one.)
BIG IAN: This one is Glenmorangie and this one is Glenfarclas and this one is Glenlivet and this one is Glenfiddich and this one is Glenkinchie and this one is Glenturret and this one is
(BIG IAN looks confused. Then he picks up the glass he's pointing to and knocks it back in one swallow.)
BIG IAN: Gone, and this one is Glendronach and this one is
NARRATION: Some are more blurred than others.
(BIG IAN slides off his stool.)
(ROGER is sitting at a desk, writing. The GROUPIE is in another chair, looking out of the window, bored.)
NARRATION: But it's only when you get close to the boys that you realise what a big happy family they are.
(The door opens. TVIB pokes his head in. He looks displeased.)
TVIB: Oh, there you are.
ROGER: Listen to this one then, Rich: "I'm gonna keep you busy as a bee could be, could be"... clever play on words, eh?
TVIB: Crap.
(He leaves, slamming the door.)
(JON and the GROUPIE are sitting, drinking tea, listening to "The Archers" on the radio. (Ok, everybody sing along with The Archers theme.) (If you don't know it, you don't know what you're missing. Trust me.))
NARRATION: Of course, this IS rock and roll, so you have to expect a little wildness.
(TVIB enters. He's in a bad mood, naturally.)
TVIB: Jon! Stop sitting round like an old woman and do something rock'n'roll!
JON: Oh. Right-o, Rich. Er... like what?
TVIB: Throw the television out of the window!
(JON obligingly picks up the television and, with much puffing and panting, gets to the window.)
JON: Just get that, there's a good girl.
(The GROUPIE opens the window. JON hurls the TV through it. TVIB runs over to watch it fall. There's a few seconds' silence, then a CRASH!!!!! and a scream.)
TVIB: Good shot! That will teach that cameraman not to stand outside MY hotel! Muh-hahahahaha
(It's a dark room with a flickering candle on the table. The group sits round the table holding hands in this order: TVIB, ROGER, JON, the GROUPIE, BIG IAN, IAN.)
NARRATION: I guess you want to hear about the one they call "The Villain In Black"? Well, he's not as black as he's painted.
JON: Are you sure about this, Rich? It didn't work out too well last time.
TVIB: Shhh! The spirits will bend to my will. Everybody concentrate!
(TVIB closes his eyes. The GROUPIE obediently closes her eyes, too. The others look at each other, nervously.)
NARRATION: It's just an image he puts across.
TVIB: Oh great spirits of past music, heed my voice!
(JON mouths at the others, "cover for me". He takes ROGER and the GROUPIE's hands and links them together, leaving the circle and tip-toeing out of the room.)
TVIB: Inspire us, oh great spirits! Show us the path to greatness!
(BIG IAN looks at his watch and mouths at ROGER, "opening time". ROGER nods and they quietly leave the circle, closing up the others' hands, and tip-toe out).
TVIB: Is there anybody there?
(IAN is looking really nervous. He quietly gets up and tip-toes out of the room.)
TVIB: I say again, IS THERE ANYBODY THERE???
(TVIB opens his eyes. He and the GROUPIE are alone, holding hands across the table.)
TVIB: Apparently not! Excellent!
NARRATION: I think you would be surprised at what lies behind the image.
(The GROUPIE opens her eyes. She looks at TVIB. TVIB looks at her.)
TVIB: I was planning on a tour of the nearby castle. Would you... like to come along?
(The GROUPIE nods vigorously. He gallantly holds her chair while she stands up, then bows and offers her his arm. They walk out together, arm in arm.)
TVIB: You wouldn't *believe* how hard it is to get rid of the other guys...
(FADE OUT)
TVIB: Muh-hahahahahahahahaaaaaa......